The emotional attachment that I have to my work and the people I’ve worked with is a complicated one. The satisfaction and exhaustion comes and goes in waves. In comes the wave of a spiritual mentality and life dedicated to service and understanding, and out goes that wave leaving haze and exhaustion behind it. How long until the next wave comes? Is it even up to me to decide?

"I have no great love or loyalty for my personal devils, because they have never served me well." But witnessing and feeling the world I live in is my greatest demon and simultaneously my greatest source of inspiration and momentum.

“My creative expression must be the most important thing in the world to me (if I am to live artistically), and it also must not matter at all (if I am to live sanely).” And I think, how can I possibly distance myself from purpose and still be proud of what I create? More importantly how can I be proud of who I am?

I am able to write this now because I am not in a phase of mental exhaustion. I want to write this now because I know I am not alone in this artistic field, nor in my more or less abstract mission. It is not unique. If what I’ve written feels foreign and incomprehensible, that’s okay! I encourage you to keep reading so that you may have empathy for something new, and probably for someone you’re already very close to.

I don’t like to box myself into categories and labels. At the same I know I am a very particular type of person and artist. I have a lot of energy. I live to learn from people. I’ve made the act of creating my life’s work because it’s how I keep up with myself. If I don’t create I fall into a depression and it takes me roughly a week or two to come out of it and then I’m of no use to anyone. I’m fully aware of my own patterns. Ask any similar types, they will know their own patterns too.

My point to you, if you are this type of person, is that it’s okay to rest. It’s okay to guide your attention elsewhere, or towards yourself. Watch TV. Read a book. Sleep. Sit on your porch or your stoop with your coffee and do nothing. Because when we are not physically working we are mentally working. We’re thinking, watching, analyzing every single possible thing every second that we’re awake. Seriously, it’s every second. It never ends. It’s never going to end. It’s who you are and there’s nothing wrong with it or you. I’ve only recently quit trying to “fix” myself. So don’t tell me to fix myself or get a hobby! Anyway. The only way to accomplish whatever it is that you live to do, is to rest and allow yourself to decompress. That may seem easy for some and impossible for others. I think the trick is finding your own ideal length of rest, which is different for everyone.

Haven’t given yourself enough rest? That feels like dragging yourself through a race carrying a duffel bag full of weights and you forgot to call your mom and you’re late paying rent and you’ve decided you don’t even care about the race anymore because it’s stupid, no one cares, and actually you can’t even tell if you’re still on the right track. Given yourself too much rest? For me that kind of feels like living in a fog, and I’m still carrying that stupid duffel bag full of weights. But instead of those weights being overworked exhaustion, those weights are my thoughts. Thoughts consisting of “why can’t I finish anything”, “I’m so tired all the time”, “What the heck is the point of all this again?”. I honestly think the latter is worse, because it’s harder to snap out of.

I’ve recently decided that Mondays are ME days. Mondays are my one and only day off of the week. That’s enough for me, for the moment. But I must use these Mondays wisely! It’s a day of mental processing, or maybe sleeping, or maybe taking street photos, or eating a lot of ice cream, whatever I need it to be. Mondays are there to prepare myself for kicking butt the rest of the week with relentless momentum and an understood purpose.

This is not groundbreaking or new. I’m writing this because it has helped me understand myself and if I can reach one person out there who reads this and thinks “wow glad someone understands my brain! or “maybe I should really give this some thought”, or “gosh darnit I forgot to rest again”, then I’ve fulfilled the purpose in writing whatever this is.

Understanding your own patterns is a lifelong process. So be patient with the creatives in your life. If they seem distant, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you. If they need to block out everything except the current task at hand, let them. They’ll be back! We’re just wired a little differently, and I think that’s pretty great.

Much Love,

Colleen